Toughness and Empathy

November 2016

I saw you today for the second time. You are ~250 grams and quite active. You waved to us  and we oohed and aahed about how awesome you are. The technician asked if we want to know your sex and we declined. Your baba and I figured that knowing a few months early is not going to change anything for us.The main reason for not finding out is not only to keep the suspense till the end but also because I wanted to give you few more weeks of just being you.

From the moment you are born, you will be compartmentalized, judged and put in bins. Boy, girl, thin, fat, short, cute, then as you become a toddler - gentle, climber, talkative, active....then the school years come - brown, black, white...cool, intelligent, pretty and the list goes on.

Most of these pre-conceived notions that we attribute to people are part of being humans but sometimes it is quite harmful. When I first moved to US, some people made fun of caste system in India. I am not proud of caste system and how some section of the population was treated for centuries, but I asked my colleagues, what about the caste system around us now.  Usually these white liberals I am talking to get annoyed by my statement and I say - “Look around you, hard walled offices for some people and not for others, lack of minority or women in the workplace.” Bias has existed over centuries and it will exist in your lifetime. Don't kid yourself in thinking that the world is perfect.

When you will be born, we will have a president of the country who does not shy away from racist and sexist behavior. I predict that before the age of 10, one of your classmates will call you names based on your skin color, the different foods that you eat or your clothes.

Amma will try to protect you from most things, but I cannot be there forever fighting by your side. So dear unborn baby, if there is one thing I want to teach you is to be sensitive to others feelings, but insensitive to the things that people who you don't care about say to you.

When I got married to your baba, I did not think that my children will not fit anywhere. But now I have started thinking about it. You are a mutt and I mean it in the best way, but the problem with not looking like the rest of the pack puts you in a position where you have to constantly prove yourselves to the pack. It is not easy. So, the second thing I want to teach you is to be tough - mentally and physically tough. You are going to need it to live in this world.

People may say move to another place where people are more welcoming. To that I say, people are the same everywhere, today they may welcome some kind of people, two decades later if the economic conditions change, some group of people will become the target. It is just human nature to blame people who don't look/eat/act/pray like them.

I don't want you to run away from situations or make you live in a liberal bubble, I want to give you tools to be able to be useful to society, love your neighbors, friends and colleagues no matter how different their background are from yours.

I don’t have the answers dear unborn baby on how to make you tough and empathetic, how to let you be part of the pack, but also question the pack. But I promise to try very hard and we will figure this out together.

Umma! I am enjoying your kicks :)