Morning talks

 This is my usual morning routine for the last 10 years- Wake up before the alarm goes off at 4:40am usually by 5 minutes, make a coffee and then call Amma. I don't wake up every single day before the alarm, sometimes I sleep in, sometimes I wake up and work for an hour before I venture into the kitchen for a coffee, but there is one thing in the routine that never changes and that is talking to Amma.

It's my me time when I talk to Amma, we never talk Politics or the news as I don't like to hear news as soon as I wake up. It is 90% about the family and the rest about food :) two things that we both like to talk about. We have been doing this for years now, one of my favorite moments is when I had move to the US and called Amma one day.

I was taking 5 graduate level EE classes and had a part time job as a waitress. That day was particularly long as I had a shift till 2am (it was a wedding we were catering and waitressing for ) and was back to my apartment around 3am. I fell asleep rethinking my life choices, missing home, family and friends. I really really wanted to give up and just come back home to the easy stable job and life I gave up to pursue my dreams. 

When I woke up that day, I felt like a total failure. Not even two months into a new life I chose and worked for, all I wanted to do was quit. As I made my coffee, I became even more frustrated as the coffee did not taste like the coffee back home even though the coffee powder was the same. I wanted to go back home, but was afraid to do so as I would be labelled as a failure. Some one who gave up their job to do higher studies and couldn't handle the pressure of staying away from home after two months. 

I called Amma and we talked for few minutes - it was an old cell phone , the flip type , connection was not too bad but not the best. I told Amma life was good, talked about classes and the wedding yesterday - my first wedding reception I have been to in the US. As I talked to her and told her how it was just like the movies and my surprise by the amount people drank! I immediately felt lighter and so much better talking with her and laughing about the antics of the fellow waiters. 

But then Amma asked me what was bothering me. I put on a brave front and said - Nothing, life is great, classes are what I expected, I am making friends, the tests are not so hard...but then she stopped me and said - "Your breathing is not right...your breathing is bothered, not happy. What is wrong?" I laughed at the absurdity of the statement. Here I was talking through a flip phone thousands of miles away and my mother can figure out my mood based on the my breathing...I couldn't tell her how I felt like quitting and all I wanted to do was come back home. But somehow without using any words and even though I was explaining about the wedding, she knew that something was going on just by listening to my breath!

As I went through the day, I had this aha moment at some point - "You know what, If I want to quit, I can!" If I think this is a wrong decision to move countries, I can correct it any point, you know why? I have people who will support me no matter what...I have support from family who know me so well that they can figure out my mood from my sighs and exhales. No words needed, no video or body language...just by the length of my inhales and exhales...Somehow those words from my mother made me feel that I don't have to try so hard, I don't need to set expectations and expect that I have to enjoy all moments in life. Sometimes you make decisions you think is for the best sucks and it is ok. 

From that day onwards, I have given myself total permission to fail. Because no matter what society has measures for success and failure, my Amma made me feel like it is all part of life - the successes and failures...I am often labelled "bold" by relatives, colleagues. I take chances in life and at work when there is no need for it. I do it simply because of my morning talks. My grounding morning talks...

As you grow up and fly away, here is my promise to you...I will try my best to listen and understand you without you ever having to use a word to describe how you feel. I know I will fail at times to do it and understand you but know that Amma is always here to listen to your breath just like my Amma does it every single day!