Back to work

I am expected to feel guilty and sad as I go to work after my 12 weeks of maternity. It is very very hard to leave you, the little sunshine in my life after spending more than 12 months together inside and out of the womb. But I am glad to be back to my life, the messy, crazy projects,my awesome team who supports me and some colleagues who test and strengthen my patience.

Sadness

When I went back to work, I missed you, your cooing noises, seeing your satiated face after the nursing. The first day when I am at work pumping away between meetings, I missed you terribly, after all, we have been together for more than a year! But within a week, we have figured out our schedule.

I leave you at home in your Baba’s capable hands, listen to the radio as I commute to work, have some fun and some swearing at work, then come back home to my family. Staying away from you and knowing that you are in good hands makes the heart grow fonder, the time spent with you even more precious. In the night when I put you to bed, my eyes may fill with tears . But it is not because I am sad, it is out of joy, joy in holding you, joy in knowing that you have a mother who goes to work not because she has to but because she wants to.

Guilt

As you know, my role model in life is your thatha, my father , the man who had a successful career and a wonderful family. Appa’s philosophy was play when you play, work when you work. Even with Amma taking care of most of things at home, Appa missed some events in my life. He usually gave some explanation for it, but not once have I seen him to be guilt ridden. Infact, my mother never felt guilty for not working outside the house and my father never felt guilty for not being there 100% of the time.

But somehow 30 years later, parents- man or woman are made to feel guilty. If you work, you are guilty of not spending every waking moment with your child, if you do not work, you are guilty of not being a good role model and putting too much pressure on your spouse to keep a job.

I have decided that I will not be that guilt ridden parent. I don't remember anytime in my life when there was a scenario where I thought I will not work outside the house. In fact, I have trained, spent money, time and my youth for the career I have today. Why should I feel guilty to pursue it because I added a new role to my life. I am a very devoted mother, but also a woman who has a healthy relationship with her work.

So dear baby, when you become a parent, remember to live your life, not just your new role, but all the roles you had before and the roles you would like to have.

I am not asking you to be overwhelmed by all of it, but take it one day at a time.

One day you may have to focus on only your children, another day you may have to give all your energy to meet that deadline or travel for work. But most days it is a bit of everything - romance with your spouse, catch the news, read a little, get one hundred kisses from your child(you have been doing it for the last 2 weeks every morning when I leave for work) , be a boss at work, empathize with your coworker , get things done...

But above all, give your self a break and don't take life too seriously... Sounds easy, right :)