It is a beautiful spring day today and I went for a run outside - I heard a ATV, a leaf blower and one other heavy machinery all at once. It is amazing how a sound can transform you to a different world.
Suddenly it reminded me of my very first vehicle - my TVS champ, For those who don't know what a tvs champ is, it is a scooter/glorified bike that was popular in India in the early 1990s. It was a not glamorous at all, but very practical. It was fuel efficient, a real workhorse and loud. Mine was particularly loud as it was a hand me down. Even though it lacked in style like a kinetic Honda, I loved it, it gave me my first taste of freedom. Appa let me drive and gave me very short but practical instruction. He pointed and said - this is the accelerator and that is the brake. That is all there is to know, now enjoy!
I was one of the few teenagers in my town who were allowed to ride a scooter. With great power comes great responsibility too :) I was able to ride to my friends house, take Amma to the temple, buy groceries etc. One other chore that fell on me was to pay the electricity bill. This was before my undergrad, I was 16, one day I set off to pay the bill not just for my house but for a bunch of my neighbors too. I took my trusty champ and off I went.
There was a long line and just as usual, under one of the big shady trees there were a bunch of young men. It is a common sight where I grew up to have a bunch of "vai nokkies" /no gooders who do not have much responsibility but to gather in various places. I am not sure what they do, but any good Indian girl knows they are to be avoided at all costs.
The line was long , it was full of middle aged men and then there was me in my fancy scooter with a bunch of bills to pay. This was obviously very interesting to the vai nokkies. Unfortunately, I became the center of their attention. I don't remember anything that they said now, but I can still feel their eyes and the anger I felt. I was modestly dressed following all the unwritten Indian society laws for young women, so no one could comment on that, but there was a lot to be said about my amazing champ and the girl who has the "guts" to drive it. Anyway, the next half hour standing in the hot sun and listening to the taunts was one of the worst experiences in my otherwise sheltered life. Taking any action or even ackowledging the taunts is a very bad idea and exactly the response the vai nokkie crave as any Indian woman would tell you.
So I just stood in the queue, looked ahead and tried to focus on something else. First, I was annoyed at these no gooders, then I was angry about the long line, then at all the other folks in the line who did not care or were amused by the taunts. It was almost like different stages of anger and then I finally found the root cause for this problem. As I reached the end of the line, I was annoyed at only one person - my father. In my little teenage head I thought " How dare he let me do this? Look at this line, there is not even one woman in this queue. It is only older men who have come to pay the bill. My father the rocket scientist, should come and stand in this hot sun and pay the bill, not send his teenage daughter to do it for the family." I was beyond annoyed, I was seething with anger and just waiting for the evening when Appa arrives home from work.
In the evening, I shouted at my father, tears running through my face explaining my humiliation and how he could have easily avoided it. My mother was giving me the look of "you don't talk to your father that way", but I ignored her.
My father sighed and slowly asked - "So, did you pay the bill?". I said of course I did, duh! He smiled and said, "That's my girl! You could have left the queue anytime and come home, but you did not.". He continued - As far as the future goes, I can do this task, but think about what you are asking - today it is a bunch of van nokkies, tomorrow when you go to college/work it will be someone else. Our society is not built for women to lead and take action. It is upto young women like you to build it. Each time you stand in the queue, you are normalizing it for the rest of the society. Each time you drive your TVS champ, you are showing everyone in the road that you can drive, you own the road just like everyone else. You are angry now for good reason, it is not easy to stand up and change things in society especially things you have little control over. But you have to remember that it will happen again and again. It is up to us to learn to react and respond. It is your choice whether you want to figure this out your self or decide to be sheltered for the rest of your life.
Now I stood there still annoyed but it gave me food for thought. Next month, I went to the same place with a bunch of bills and it was a similar situation. This time I walked straight to the counter and gave my bills to pay after the next person, not bothering to stand in line. The guy behind the counter said - "Go back to the queue, this is not the railway station" ( It used to be common in India to have two queues in the railways station - one for men and another for women as the lines were too long). I replied with more confidence that I felt -" I will, if you clean the trash under the tree". He snickered and took my bill and I was out of there under 5 minutes.
This is a story with a good ending, little one, but I have many more stories that do not end well and I had to go back to the queue and wait for my turn in not very pleasant situations. You may think this only happens in India in the 1990s but it is more common than you think.
Three years ago, when little brother was to be born, I was working in a startup with no maternity benefits. 7 months pregnant, I was looking at my options and they were not the most optimal. There was no law that said I should have paid maternity leave as the company was too small to qualify. There were no mother's room so that after I come back, I can continue to feed you. One colleague suggested I work from home after the baby is born and another in all good intentions asked if I can pump milk in the bathroom.
I felt like after all these degrees from fancy colleges, here I am in 2017 trying to figure out what to do in a company not designed for young women ! So I followed Appa's advice from many years ago, do I figure this out myself or just sigh and deal with it. After a little bit of pondering, I requested a meeting with the CEO.
The half hour meeting was very awkward asking a >60 year old man for maternity leave and mother's room with a significant belly. I explained the current situation with lack of policies and requested what I would like to happen. I have to say the CEO was super nice and was an excellent manager - he listened but agreed to nothing. When I left that room, I was not happy nor annoyed, I just felt that I have done my best. I was not very pleased that my decision to take care of my child does not rest on my hands but the hands of others in management who have never gone through what I was going through. After few weeks of waiting, I got what I requested for. In the next couple of months a new maternity policy was put in place for the company.
Ha haa...my run was almost over, in the last few minutes, my mind went from a leaf blower sound to TVS champ to vai nokkies to my Appa to you. You will find yourself in many situations as a minority in this country where things are not designed for people like us. Remember what thatha said. be creative, do your best, remember that failure and disappointment is common. But you will have few success stories to keep you going and more important than that every small bit you do, you are normalizing it for the next generation.
Suddenly it reminded me of my very first vehicle - my TVS champ, For those who don't know what a tvs champ is, it is a scooter/glorified bike that was popular in India in the early 1990s. It was a not glamorous at all, but very practical. It was fuel efficient, a real workhorse and loud. Mine was particularly loud as it was a hand me down. Even though it lacked in style like a kinetic Honda, I loved it, it gave me my first taste of freedom. Appa let me drive and gave me very short but practical instruction. He pointed and said - this is the accelerator and that is the brake. That is all there is to know, now enjoy!
I was one of the few teenagers in my town who were allowed to ride a scooter. With great power comes great responsibility too :) I was able to ride to my friends house, take Amma to the temple, buy groceries etc. One other chore that fell on me was to pay the electricity bill. This was before my undergrad, I was 16, one day I set off to pay the bill not just for my house but for a bunch of my neighbors too. I took my trusty champ and off I went.
There was a long line and just as usual, under one of the big shady trees there were a bunch of young men. It is a common sight where I grew up to have a bunch of "vai nokkies" /no gooders who do not have much responsibility but to gather in various places. I am not sure what they do, but any good Indian girl knows they are to be avoided at all costs.
The line was long , it was full of middle aged men and then there was me in my fancy scooter with a bunch of bills to pay. This was obviously very interesting to the vai nokkies. Unfortunately, I became the center of their attention. I don't remember anything that they said now, but I can still feel their eyes and the anger I felt. I was modestly dressed following all the unwritten Indian society laws for young women, so no one could comment on that, but there was a lot to be said about my amazing champ and the girl who has the "guts" to drive it. Anyway, the next half hour standing in the hot sun and listening to the taunts was one of the worst experiences in my otherwise sheltered life. Taking any action or even ackowledging the taunts is a very bad idea and exactly the response the vai nokkie crave as any Indian woman would tell you.
So I just stood in the queue, looked ahead and tried to focus on something else. First, I was annoyed at these no gooders, then I was angry about the long line, then at all the other folks in the line who did not care or were amused by the taunts. It was almost like different stages of anger and then I finally found the root cause for this problem. As I reached the end of the line, I was annoyed at only one person - my father. In my little teenage head I thought " How dare he let me do this? Look at this line, there is not even one woman in this queue. It is only older men who have come to pay the bill. My father the rocket scientist, should come and stand in this hot sun and pay the bill, not send his teenage daughter to do it for the family." I was beyond annoyed, I was seething with anger and just waiting for the evening when Appa arrives home from work.
In the evening, I shouted at my father, tears running through my face explaining my humiliation and how he could have easily avoided it. My mother was giving me the look of "you don't talk to your father that way", but I ignored her.
My father sighed and slowly asked - "So, did you pay the bill?". I said of course I did, duh! He smiled and said, "That's my girl! You could have left the queue anytime and come home, but you did not.". He continued - As far as the future goes, I can do this task, but think about what you are asking - today it is a bunch of van nokkies, tomorrow when you go to college/work it will be someone else. Our society is not built for women to lead and take action. It is upto young women like you to build it. Each time you stand in the queue, you are normalizing it for the rest of the society. Each time you drive your TVS champ, you are showing everyone in the road that you can drive, you own the road just like everyone else. You are angry now for good reason, it is not easy to stand up and change things in society especially things you have little control over. But you have to remember that it will happen again and again. It is up to us to learn to react and respond. It is your choice whether you want to figure this out your self or decide to be sheltered for the rest of your life.
Now I stood there still annoyed but it gave me food for thought. Next month, I went to the same place with a bunch of bills and it was a similar situation. This time I walked straight to the counter and gave my bills to pay after the next person, not bothering to stand in line. The guy behind the counter said - "Go back to the queue, this is not the railway station" ( It used to be common in India to have two queues in the railways station - one for men and another for women as the lines were too long). I replied with more confidence that I felt -" I will, if you clean the trash under the tree". He snickered and took my bill and I was out of there under 5 minutes.
This is a story with a good ending, little one, but I have many more stories that do not end well and I had to go back to the queue and wait for my turn in not very pleasant situations. You may think this only happens in India in the 1990s but it is more common than you think.
Three years ago, when little brother was to be born, I was working in a startup with no maternity benefits. 7 months pregnant, I was looking at my options and they were not the most optimal. There was no law that said I should have paid maternity leave as the company was too small to qualify. There were no mother's room so that after I come back, I can continue to feed you. One colleague suggested I work from home after the baby is born and another in all good intentions asked if I can pump milk in the bathroom.
I felt like after all these degrees from fancy colleges, here I am in 2017 trying to figure out what to do in a company not designed for young women ! So I followed Appa's advice from many years ago, do I figure this out myself or just sigh and deal with it. After a little bit of pondering, I requested a meeting with the CEO.
The half hour meeting was very awkward asking a >60 year old man for maternity leave and mother's room with a significant belly. I explained the current situation with lack of policies and requested what I would like to happen. I have to say the CEO was super nice and was an excellent manager - he listened but agreed to nothing. When I left that room, I was not happy nor annoyed, I just felt that I have done my best. I was not very pleased that my decision to take care of my child does not rest on my hands but the hands of others in management who have never gone through what I was going through. After few weeks of waiting, I got what I requested for. In the next couple of months a new maternity policy was put in place for the company.
Ha haa...my run was almost over, in the last few minutes, my mind went from a leaf blower sound to TVS champ to vai nokkies to my Appa to you. You will find yourself in many situations as a minority in this country where things are not designed for people like us. Remember what thatha said. be creative, do your best, remember that failure and disappointment is common. But you will have few success stories to keep you going and more important than that every small bit you do, you are normalizing it for the next generation.
Good one. Many kids can learn things from letter.
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